As I prepared myself emotionally to attend a father’s day online service this morning, I realise it’s one I could easily skip and no one would know. I usually skipped fathers day at church in the past. Too much of that “good dad” feels for someone whose dad didn’t fight for his own. I would speak the following in his eulogy years ago, I couldn’t tell you how many, that “I was glad he got his act together for his next family. That he did have it in him”. The saddest part of it was he couldn’t do it for me, for my siblings, for my mum.
As much as I want to say it is what it is, and as I prepared to come at this day with the “normal” time of church time studio feels, my Heavenly Father continues to be busy working on healing my heart. As much as I’d prefer not to, because it challanges me, I equally know I need to. And so my Abba Father continues to minister through images as He reveals and ministers to my heart. The heart of gold I desire through brokenness and because of brokenness.
In my waking today I realised I had not been thinking about what imagery I would work on today, at least a ball park idea like past weeks. Instead this last week I have worked on a project in the lead up to my heavely brothers birthday, but this will take some time to finish, if it works at all. As I thought about today this image revealled itself and it was easy to start and execute because it is known by me so well.
The broken hearted. Some are shattered, some are so scared that leaning into hope and healing is unimaginable and debilitating to the point that just to breath is excruciating.
And then this image, as I worked on it with these thoughts of how damaged our earthly fathers, experiences and people in general have been to us, God turns the focus away from the broken. You see I thought I was a glass half full person, but today this artwork said something different.
How often do I focus on just the broken, missed things in my life? For the longest time and something I am reminded of again just weeks ago, I am not fogotten. And if I measure God to my earthy fathers experience how could I ever trust God. Which is what happens when I only focus on the broken parts of my story. It robs me of my trust, the hope and the truth that even though this too God allowed to happen, in this broken world we live in, it was never his plan.
This is where I am atm. I know my God loves me. I love God. As Neil Young puts it. “I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold…I keep searching for a heart of gold”. And the only place I can see this is in the hope I have from my Abba. The story continues as I lean into him and as I listen. Even in my stubborn, “I know better” kind of thinking, He continues to shine His light away from what was to undo me, to harm me and to seperate me from Him, and onto what builds me and heals me and restores me. The hope is real.
And that’s fathers day feels for me in a nutshell for now.
Where is your focus?