The end of term with a seemingly unending list of things to do, and the things already ticked off, is looming. I think the impending dread is from all the things yet to be completed and work still to be handed in and marked. My biggest nemesis….me.
I find myself in a time of reflection that I’ve been called to for some time now.
This artwork was one of many created earlier this year. It hangs clipped to a board resting on an easel in my studio. I see it every day. Every day I also see the flaws in it. When I see these I think of the changes it needs, but won’t happen because I want to redo the whole thing. To start over. This is how I sometimes, more often than not, see me. Unfinished, not quite right and needing so much work…daily. To be started over.
I want to change my smallness in doing what I want over what I think and know would be a far better use of my time. I want to change how I respond to situations, to more socially acceptable ways. I want to learn how to connect better with people. I want to love unconditionally. I’m still learning to listen to God, let alone hearing from Him and how much he loves me. I realise this is a lifelong journey. In my desperation in wanting to understanding this, I find myself stuck in what seems to be the inability to move forward. This is where love comes in. As frustrated as I can be in myself and as hard as I am on myself and where I do the very things I do not want to do and that take away my time with God, I still desperately seek after God, to know his love for me more.
We are constantly called to go deeper, stepping into a deeper relationship with God. The song Oceans by Hillsong talks about this. The Grace that we are shown, through Jesus. Through our desire to walk closely with God we are not left at the same level of connection with God. There are times when we know we are closer with God, that He is so strong in our lives, more than we have ever experienced before, and then follows times when we feel like we don’t feel God, that we don’t even know God. This is where we are called into the unknown, of needing to step out into something still more deeper, something new. God is calling us to go even deeper yet again. This is where I am.
‘free’ is what I am in Jesus! I know this to be true! I am stepping out into deep water with His strength.
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders
let me walk upon the waters where ever you would call me
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour”.
~Oceans – Hillsong